The results of mental, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that I endured, plus keeping it a secret for over 20 years about took me out in so many ways… and honestly it almost did. Right after being sexually assaulted for the first time at the age of 9 years old, I immediately became suicidal, depressed, and insecure.

The loss of my innocence and identity became my biggest struggle. With losing such a precious and innocent thing it made me go searching in all the wrong places to fill a hole in my heart the size of Texas!  I found myself desperately trying to find my validation and worth in relationships, friends, alcohol, personal accomplishments, and so much more… the obsession to be loved and accepted became my greatest downfall.  The idea of being happy again was a dream and trying to figure out who I would have been prior to the assaults became an obsession... in fact, so much so that I became a person I didn’t even recognize.

I became a naïve teenager who was at that point of being desperate for acceptance and safety but unfortunately, what I received was more trauma. One guy saw my weakness and used it to his advantage. After grooming me for a year to build my confidence and trust, he turned on me and became a monster!  After brutally raping me, causing lifelong damage to my body, and leaving me in a puddle of my own blood, I just wanted to die. I wanted nothing more but to end my life, but I couldn’t even succeed in doing that.  Feeling like a waste of existence was an absolute understatement. The overwhelming stress impacted my health including cancer, heart issues, lung problems, blood disorders, infections, stomach issues, constant migraines, and a few other things.

I found myself feeling more and more lonely, depressed, suicidal, anxious, angry, sick, and insecure more than ever before…  Even after marrying the love of my life!  Unfortunately, the toll on him was immense and not fair, to which I completely understand that now.   However, my commitment to him was still, “for better or worse.”

Sadly, the influences he received from work and the world, as well as the opinions from his family caused him to become a person I didn’t recognize, and it became evident that he didn't even have, nor was capable of showing the qualities that I desperately needed... which were protection, security, unconditional love, and respect.

His ultimate abandonment has been the worst and scariest feeling that I have ever felt hands down. I just needed someone to see me at my worst yet love me through it anyway.  I needed him to fight for me even if it meant fighting the demons within me through fasting and prayer.

I was clearly NOT okay mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually and the intensity of that constant weight of never being good enough or worth fighting for truly became such an overwhelming feeling that I began to push him away and vice versa. Neither of us were going to allow any more pain so it was a very toxic and vicious cycle that eventually ended in a NASTY divorce with extreme pain to our kids as well as to each other. Our relationship went from seeking the Lord above everything else to seeking the world for validation in everything else.

I HATED myself for the person I became and also hated him for not seeing the broken girl/woman that was in pure agony. The desperation of needing him to “save me” and think I was worth the hell we had been through became an obsession. His opinion of me was the ONLY opinion I cared about. He became an idol that I built my whole life around and when I could never achieve the acceptance, security, and his protection by him defending my worth as a woman, a wife, and mother that I needed so badly, I finally hit rock bottom….  I gave up on him, myself, and God.

I lived my life fooled by the sins of the world that my anger and resentment towards him had opened doors to. I lost myself completely and no longer cared about anything or anyone. I was tired of fighting for a marriage that he didn’t want and praying to a God who didn’t seem to care about all of my fasting and praying. I was in pure blown self-destruct mode going 100mph.

That is until I visited Xtreme Harvest Church and had a true encounter with JESUS Christ that brought me to my knees. The genuine love and kindness that surrounded me throughout the entire church even though I didn’t deserve it was overwhelming. I was not seen and judged by my mistakes, but as the woman of God who was still capable of being used for the Kingdom of God.

It was when I decided to stop running from God and the calling on my life, plus finally surrendering myself completely to Jesus that He took me out of a DARK and lonely place and made me whole again.

I no longer have a void in my life that I’m searching to fill. I was free from the nightmares that I was afraid to fall asleep to, the addictions that kept me bound for years, and that degrading desire for attention from men, and the cravings of approval from anyone.

I now know who I am in Christ and am truly grateful for another chance at life!  I am proud of the woman I have become because if it wasn’t for the pain and suffering I would have never known just how strong and resilient I really am. I would have never experienced the true love and commitment that was offered to me through Jesus.

I sincerely want that very same feeling of peace and comfort for you as well.
So, if you relate to my testimony in any way and would like to set up a free consultation, then please contact me by submitting the FORM below.

Thank You and may God Bless you.
Marenda Goodrich Saenz